Children need—and appreciate—a clearly defined standard of behavior. Often misbehavior is just a child crying out, “Show me the way!” Here are some tried and proven parenting basics:
1. Set clear boundaries. Set clear boundaries as to what your children are allowed to do at home, and set reasonable punishments for crossing them. You may not have much control over what goes on outside your home, but you can set the standard for acceptable behavior and attitudes inside your own house. 2. Create a link of honest, open communication with your children. If your children are honest with you, you have a much better chance of knowing what goes on when they are away from home. They should feel that they can tell you anything. You may not always agree or allow them to do everything they want to, but they shouldn’t be afraid to confide in you. The secret of establishing such communication is to learn to listen. As a parent, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is your sincere interest in them and their problems, as evidenced by your undivided attention whenever it’s needed. By simply listening—really listening—you are telling your child: “I want to understand and help you. I think you are worth listening to, and I want you to know that I have faith in you. You can always talk to me because I love you.” Ask questions. When communicating with children—or with anyone, for that matter—asking questions helps to draw them out and shows your concern and interest in them. Get them to talk. And when they are asking you questions, be careful not to overly philosophize, pontificate, or pretend to be something you’re not. Just stay simple! Show love and understanding. And avoid offering any advice that you wouldn’t want to apply to yourself. Learn to present your advice or answers in ways that are as easy as possible for them to accept. 3. Find a balance in what to allow and disallow. Pray for God’s guidance as to what activities are harmless, which ones you need to monitor and limit, and which ones you need to forbid. You will need to find a good balance in the things you allow your children to do, especially when they are away from home. Completely forbidding your older children and teenagers to do certain things might not work and could cause them to rebel and do it anyway behind your back. It may be better to agree on reasonable limits together, and then hold your children to them. 4. Don’t be overly alarmed by outward appearances. Don’t be overly alarmed by behavior that’s different but not bad or harmful. If you show yourself tolerant of things that are perhaps not to your own liking but are basically harmless, then your children will be more apt to comply when you put your foot down about other things that are definitely wrong. You might not like the way your preteen daughter dresses, for example, but that’s not the issue in her eyes. Fitting in with her peers is. Ask God to help you see beyond surface appearances and to give you patience and self-restraint to let relatively trivial matters pass. 5. Expect and allow a certain amount of experimentation. Not all experimentation is bad; it plays a big part in the growing-up process. Try not to overreact when your older children say or do what to you is the unthinkable. Quite often children like to be shocking just for the sake of it, hoping to get a rise out of you. If you show yourself able to take things in stride, many issues will resolve themselves on their own. 6. Let your children know you love them unconditionally. Children who get their needs for love and attention filled at home have far fewer problems. Assure your children that you will continue to love them no matter what they do, and that you will be there for them. Part of that love is not allowing them to do things that you know to be harmful, but at the same time reassuring them that you will never stop loving them. When your children put you to the test and find that your love holds even when they displease you, this helps them feel secure. They will then be more likely to stand up against negative peer pressure and make the right decision next time. 7. Get to know and accept your children’s friends. Win the respect and friendship of your children’s friends, and they may find your home a welcome retreat. The noise level and food bill may go up, but at least you’ll have peace of mind in knowing where your children are and what they’re up to. If you are generally accepting of your children’s friends, then if on occasion you have to limit their association with a particular boy or girl who is affecting them negatively, they’ll be more likely to comply with your wishes. 8. Minimize ungodly influences. Select worthwhile movies, TV shows, music, and computer games for your children when they are young and you still hold the remote control. They may rebel or be drawn to less godly amusements later, but you will have given them a good foundation. Discuss such recreational activities with your older children and make choices together, as much as possible. If your children understand and respect your reasons for not allowing a certain thing, they will be much more apt to comply when you’re not watching. Of course, it is also important to help provide alternative activities that are both fun and worthwhile. 9. Teach your children to have conviction. In order to stand up against negative influences and peer pressure, your children need to know how to explain and defend what they believe—what they consider right or acceptable, and why. They may not always see eye to eye with you, but if they understand your position on the issues and see you have conviction, they will be more likely to buck negative peer pressure. It will also help them know how to explain you to their friends. You can’t expect your children to always do the right thing in difficult situations, but praise them when they do have the conviction to do so. Let them know you understand how difficult that is, and that you’re proud of them. 10. Teach your children consideration. How you treat others, and especially your children, greatly influences how they will treat others. Here are some questions to ask yourself when you are talking to your children: “How would I feel if someone were treating me or talking to me the way I am to my child now? Am I thoughtful about how I talk about other people in front of, or within earshot of my children? Do I tease my children or make fun of them or make jokes about them that could make them feel bad?” Children often argue among themselves—contradicting, belittling, or criticizing what the other has said. Sometimes they are just arguing to be arguing or trying to show their superiority by putting the other one down. Children need to learn that it is not good to put themselves up as being better than someone else. Unless instructed and corrected, children can be especially unkind toward people who have handicaps or obvious physical differences, particularly other children. Learning what not to say and when to ignore something is a very important lesson that children need to learn early in life. Teach your children to treat others as they would like others to treat them should they have that same problem or be in that same embarrassing situation. Often when children realize in some personal way how their actions hurt others, they are more careful about what they say and do, and are generally more thoughtful of others. Excerpted from the book "Keys to Kids" by Derek and Michelle Brooks. © Aurora Productions. Used with permission.
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The Chinese proverb states, “Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.” This saying can be aptly applied to teaching our youth good problem-solving skills. You may find that it will initially take an investment of time to teach these principles of problem solving to your children, but expect to reap long-term dividends as your children learn to solve problems and make wise choices for themselves. Parents are often amazed to discover how capable and resourceful their children are when given the chance to solve their problems in their own way. All children will inevitably encounter problems of all shapes and kinds in their lives; that’s simply part of growing up. Through dealing with these challenges, they learn problem-solving skills, which are essential to success in life. Kids have unbelievable and largely untapped potential for finding good solutions to their problems. It’s wise to invest time in helping your child develop his or her problem-solving skills. Teaching children how to solve problems is an essential skill that is worth their learning while young, as it will greatly aid them in the future. However, one tendency of parents is to too quickly rectify the problem or too easily provide the answer to the problem. If you try to solve all your child’s problems, you will stunt your child’s ability to solve problems on his own. Don’t take over the fixing of the problem unless you have to. Instead, help the child find the solution. This shows that you have faith in your child’s ability to learn to handle the problem constructively. At first you will have to walk your child through each step of the problem-solving process, and it may take much more time to complete the process than if you had just solved the problem for him or told him the answer. But when you solve your child’s problem, you’re taking away a valuable opportunity for him to learn. The learning process, however slow, is part of a child’s development and growth. Little Sara borrows her friend’s doll, but while playing with it, she rips the doll’s dress. “Mommy, I ripped the doll’s dress!” Sara whimpers. “Don’t worry, Sara, I’ll sew it tonight and you can give it back to Melissa later.” Mom has fixed the problem and Sara is happy. But what did Sara learn from this encounter? “If I have a problem, ask Mommy. She’ll solve it.” So the next time something happens, she will promptly come to Mommy for solving the problem again. In the case of the ripped dress, here’s how it could turn into a problem-solving learning scenario: “Mommy, I ripped Melissa’s doll’s dress!” “Oh my. Yes, that is quite a tear. Hmm, what do you think we should do about it?” “Um, I don’t know. Tell Melissa I’m sorry?” “Well, that would be good to do. But how do you think she’ll feel getting her doll back with a torn dress?” “She might be sad.” “Could we do something to help that?” “Maybe we could fix it? Could we sew the dress?” “Excellent solution! How about tonight you and I work on sewing the doll’s dress?” “Okay!” Mommy has taught Sara how to find a solution to her problem. By helping sew the dress with her mom, Sara is also now a part of the solution. Next time Sara encounters a problem, she may still go to Mommy for help, but she’ll be aware that there will be a way to figure out a solution to the problem, and she’ll realize that she can and should play a part in the solution. As Sara practices this problem-solving method day by day, she will learn to figure out solutions on her own, and will have honed a valuable lifelong skill. Not all problems in life are easily solved, and you will have to help your children understand that, as they encounter bigger challenges. But the daily steps you take to encourage their problem-solving skills will provide them with greater personal resources to cope with the more challenging problems of life as they grow older. Teach your children to take responsibility in finding solutions to their problems, and in so doing, you will be teaching them a valuable skill that will benefit them throughout life. © TFI. Used with permission. Claire Nichols I used to struggle more often than I wanted to admit to really enjoy my children. Sure, many little unexpected happenings turned to happy thoughts later--the sorts of things that fond memories are made of--but just as often I seemed to spoil the fun for my children before it had a chance to become a fond memory. But then something happened to help change that. It started one Monday morning. No sooner had my husband gone to work, leaving me home with our two young children, than I found myself counting the hours till he would come home. By then it would almost be the kids' bedtime and things would be easier two-on-two. Morning inched past, and finally it was afternoon. I had hoped to get some work done while the kids took their afternoon naps, but that hope vanished when my youngest, Ella, stayed awake, eager for attention and lively play. When she finally fell asleep, I plopped myself in a nearby chair, but not a moment had passed before my two-and-a-half-year-old son bounced out of bed and up into my lap. "I woke up, Mommy!" he announced as though that were a great accomplishment. "You sure did!" I tried my best to sound positive, while thinking, There goes my afternoon. I guess I really won't be getting anything done today. I looked at my watch. "Two more hours till Daddy's home," I said out loud. "Let's go and get you a snack." Evan stood on a kitchen chair and leaned against the counter as he helped pour milk into his cup. I would have rather done it without his help, but remembered something my mother had recently said. "At this age he wants to do everything himself." "But that's so frustrating for me," I had complained to her. "Even simple things get complicated and take so much longer." "It's for the best," Mom had told me. "Just think of it as education--all the things you go through with the kids that are part of daily life, like brushing teeth, washing hands, dressing, making snacks--it's all brand new to them, something new to learn and experience. Those little things teach them self-sufficiency, character, and style. Remember, you're the teacher and your kids are eager young pupils in the school of life." So I had let Evan help me pour the milk. "There you are," I said as we finished. "And I'd like some bread, please--with jam on it." He knew I couldn't refuse when he asked so politely and cheerfully. I started toward the fridge, but Evan had beaten me there and was already pulling the jam from the fridge shelf. I hope that jar doesn't slip through his little fingers and break, I thought, just as it did! The jam managed to stay in a fairly neat red splatter on the floor, but the broken glass was a different story. It was everywhere, in a hundred pieces. I covered my mouth with my hands to keep the tiredness and frustration from spilling out. "Never do that again!" Evan offered in a sorry and slightly worried tone. I forced my thoughts into a short prayer. Suddenly Mom's words rushed back into my mind--"something new to learn and experience." I swooped up Evan to the safety of my arms. "First we had better get some shoes on your bare feet, then I'm going to show you how to clean up a broken jar of jam." Moments later, as I swept up the mess and Evan held the dustpan ready, I explained to my little pupil the dynamics of glass: how easily it shatters, and the best way to clean it up when it does. Mom's advice was wise. By treating the mishap as a new learning experience for my little one, I felt calm and controlled. Instead of scolding my son and promising myself I'd never make the mistake of letting him get something from the fridge by himself again, I had taught him how to deal with accidents in a positive way. We got another jar of jam from the cupboard, and went on to butter bread and spread jam together, make coffee for mom, and set it all out neatly on the table to enjoy together. That's when I caught myself actually enjoying the moment! "You're such a good cook, Evan!" His little eyes shone. "Mommy is so proud of you!" "Evan is so proud of you, Mommy!" he replied without hesitation. I smiled. Come to think of it, I was proud of myself too. "I think I'll buy another jar of jam and make it a permanent fixture on the kitchen counter," I told Evan, "because enjoying you at this moment is something I want to always remember!" Excerpted from Activated magazine. Used with permission.
The primary factor in raising children is love. If parents can just learn to treat their children with love and consideration, the children will feel loved and secure. Most parents can't be with their children all the time, but it's difficult for small children to understand that. Children think they should be the most important things in the world to their parents, so when the parents can't show them constant attention because of other obligations, it hurts the children--and of course, the more children you have, the less individual time and attention you can give each one. That's why it's so important for parents to tune in to their children and give them love and attention when they do have the opportunity. Give each one lots of love and encouragement, because words have the power to build them up and help them feel loved. "Look what a big boy you are! We're so proud of you. You've learned so much!" Say things that will let them know they really are special to you. Small children, especially, don't yet have a concept of time, so if you give one child something and tell the others that theirs will come next time, "next time" will probably seem a long way away and very nebulous. So in most cases when you give one something, you should try to do a little something special for the others too. You can't and shouldn't treat all of your children the same all the time. Each needs to know they are special in their own way. And when one needs something that the others don't, they have to be taught that it's according to need, not because one is more loved. If you take one out to get a needed pair of shoes, for example, and you bring the others back a little toy or something that may cost only a few cents, this shows that you love them and remembered them too. A lot of adults don't realize how important it is to explain things to children. You can't just assume that they understand. How can they understand hardly anything unless you explain it to them? Most adults don't take things without some kind of explanation, and children have as much right to an explanation as anybody. If you think there could be any question in their minds or hurt feelings, explain. Even if they can't understand everything you say, just the fact that you try to explain it conveys to them that you're concerned about their feelings, and that will help. It's nearly always a problem when somebody else comes along, like a new baby, who they think is going to take their place. Children's feelings are just the same as adults', only difficult situations can be even more traumatic for children when they haven't experienced those things before and therefore don't have the assurance that things usually work out in the end. That's why children are so much more vulnerable than adults, because of their very limited experience. So you have to treat children even more carefully and tenderly and considerately than adults. It breaks my heart when I see parents in public places cuff their child on the head or lash out over something that the poor child probably didn't understand in the first place. It's tragic! Children are more sensitive and more easily hurt than adults. They instinctively love and trust their parents, and to destroy that is really sad! A little love goes a long way! Children are bound to have problems, but no matter what the problem stems from, love can correct it. "Love covers over all wrongs" (Proverbs 10:12 NIV). Just a little love and concern can make up for a lot of mistakes and failures, no matter who or what is to blame. Love is the answer! Excerpted from Activated Magazine. Used with permission.
I recently heard a story from Stephen Glenn about a famous research scientist who had made several very important medical breakthroughs. He was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?
He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother that occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor—a veritable sea of milk! When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?" Indeed, he did. After a few minutes, his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel, or a mop. Which do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk. His mother then said, "You know, what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let’s go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson! This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment that he knew he didn’t need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead, he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. Even if the experiment doesn’t work, we usually learn something valuable from it. Wouldn’t it be great if all parents would respond the way Robert’s mother responded to him? —Jack Canfield Josie Clark
I grew up around creeks, lakes, and rivers, but when I was sixteen I went to Atlantic City, New Jersey, and saw the ocean for the first time. At the boardwalk the night we arrived, I walked out on a wooden pier. As the first thunderous waves crashed beneath my feet, I grabbed the railing, terrified. Since then I have had a cautious fondness for the ocean. I've never been a strong swimmer, but I love the look of the ocean, the feel of sand between my toes, and even the weightless feeling of being lifted from my feet and carried about by gentle waves—as long as I have something buoyant to hang onto. So when we spent a summer near the beach and my two teenage sons developed a keen interest in boogie boarding, I could relate. I was happy to see them securely tethered to their boards a hundred yards out in the water, waiting for that perfect wave. But as time went on, they got braver and braver, insisting that the perfect wave was to be found further and further out to sea. I would sit on the shoreline watching the dots that were my sons in the midst of all that blue ocean and try to control my anxiety. Sometimes a mistake parents make is letting worry be the guideline for deciding what their children are able to do. If something causes the parents to worry, they won't let their children do it. Worry seems almost a necessary part of parenting. It is a sign of love and concern. It is also a warning signal that it's time to pray. I think worry can actually be a good thing when it causes us to channel our negative, anxious thoughts into a prayer that can help bring about a positive outcome in that situation. It is our responsibility to train our children and lead them in the right direction, but at a certain point we need to pull back and trust God to keep them from serious harm. As children grow, they need to be able to learn through an ever-broadening range of experiences; they need to learn to take responsibility for themselves, and they need to learn to pray themselves when "out in the deep blue sea." It gives them a sense of security, though, to know that their parents are "on the shore," still looking after them and still vigilant in prayer—like the time when one of my sons experienced a moment of sheer panic after a wave caught him off guard and knocked him for a loop, and the cord that tethered him to his boogie board slipped off. He thought he was going to drown, but he remembered that I was on the beach praying for him, and he called out to God himself. He knew in that instant he was going to be okay, and he was. As my kids grow up and move away, I think it's important that they know they have a mother who prays for them. That also reminds them to turn to God in moments of anxiety. I can't be there to hold them up, but He can. I can't meet all their needs or solve all their problems for them, but He can work miracles when they exercise their faith and pray. Excerpted from Activated Magazine. Used with permission. Q: When I met and fell in love with the young widow who is now my fiancée, I felt like the most blessed man in the world! Not only had I found the wife of my dreams, but I was getting three great children in the bargain—a ready-made family. Maybe I was being unrealistic, but winning the children’s love and respect hasn’t been as easy as I expected. Do you have any advice for this struggling dad?
A: You’re not alone. When a single parent remarries, it is often not smooth sailing from the beginning. It takes time and lots of love to become a tightly knit family. It’s common for older children, especially, to resent the new husband or wife at first because they feel no one could ever take the place of the father or mother that’s not with them. Younger children may also resent having to share their parent’s affection with the newcomer. Many new stepparents make the mistake of taking this personally, and becoming frustrated and discouraged and pulling back. Fight to put sensitivity aside. A lot depends on the age and maturity of the children, but here are a few things that have worked well for others: Communicate. Honest open communication is the first step. If it’s clear that only one or two children are unhappy with the new arrangement, it would probably be best to discuss problems and possible solutions with them individually. This is a good time to follow the biblical advice to be “swift to hear, slow to speak” (James 1:19). Then, once each child has had a chance to put their feelings into words and you have established a basis of trust, you might want to try an informal family meeting around a snack or special meal, where each explains how they feel about their new family and what changes or improvements they’d like to see. Take time. The best investment you can make in your new family is your time, and one of the best places to start is by following through on some of the “changes and improvements” they suggest, if reasonable and doable. Pray. Children need time to adjust, and overcoming some negative attitudes can take a while. Ask the Lord to give you understanding and deep, genuine love for the others, as well as for His help in changing in whatever ways you need to for the sake of the other’s happiness and well-being. Taken from Activated Magazine. Used with permission. There are going to be times in the day-to-day routine of parenting when you feel overwhelmed by situations and circumstances. You’ve had an especially trying day at work, your eight-year-old won’t do her homework, your teenager’s stereo is shaking the house, your toddler didn’t make it to the potty in time—and your dinner guests will be here any minute! You feel pushed to the brink.
Every parent faces days like this. You’re not alone. And you’re not alone in a greater sense: Jesus is right there with you. He understands, and He waits with encouragement and solutions. If you have the opportunity, talking with someone else—maybe your spouse or a friend—can help you see things differently and calm your spirit. Whatever you do, don’t give in to feelings of frustration and discouragement. Shoot up a prayer and ask Jesus to give you power for the hour and grace for the space, and He will. Ask Him to help you see your children as He sees them, to see what they are going to become. He will help you view the situation optimistically and with hope. Because children are often a reflection of their parents, it’s very easy to get discouraged and feel that you have failed when one or more of your children isn’t doing well in some area. But remember they are a work in progress, just like you are. All God expects is that you try your best, give them your love, and leave the rest up to Him. Now that doesn’t mean you should just throw up your hands in despair, let “God take care of it,” and quit when the going gets rough. He probably intends for you to be part of His solution. You need to find out from Him what He wants you to do, and do it; then put the rest in His hands and let Him do what you can’t do. Growing Together The greatest discovery that any of us can make in life is that we can have a close personal relationship with our heavenly Father through His Son, Jesus, because that connection puts us in touch with every other good thing we need. Such a relationship is not only possible, it’s only a short prayer away. “Jesus, I need You. Come into my heart and life. Forgive me for my sins, and be my Savior, my ever-present companion and counselor, my unfailing help. Amen.” For parents, the only thing more wonderful than having a personal relationship with God themselves is knowing that it’s just as freely available to their children. “For the promise is to you and to your children” (Acts 2:39). Families that share that common connection with God, whom the Bible calls love itself (1 John 4:8), are closer, more loving, more unified, and have far fewer serious problems among themselves than families that don’t. Why?—Because they have the most important things in common, besides a clear standard of right and wrong—the spiritual guidance and support they need to make the right decisions and stick to them. When problems and irritations arise, real solutions and heavenly help are only a prayer away. If you want more for your family and haven’t yet discovered Jesus, connect with Him and start growing together. Excerpted from Activated Magazine. Used with permission. Parents who are concerned about their children's progress at each stage of their development, as nearly all parents are, need to realize what an important role a child's self-image plays toward that end. Children with positive feelings about themselves, who believe they can succeed, are far more likely to.
Children make their first judgments about themselves and their abilities in the context of their home. Parents can find opportunities every day to develop their children's self-confidence, which in the long run will help them grow into well-adjusted, well-rounded adults. Problem solving Parents are often amazed to discover how capable and resourceful their children are in solving their own problems, with a little guidance. All children encounter problems; that is a necessary part of growing up. It is through dealing with such challenges that they learn problem-solving skills that are essential for success in life. It takes time and patience to help children learn to solve their own problems, but it is a wise investment that will pay big dividends when the children get older, their problems become more complex, and the stakes are higher. One tendency of parents is to be too quick to fix the problem or provide the answer. That may meet the immediate need, but it hinders the learning process. It's like the saying: Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for life. Teaching problem-solving is more important and more beneficial in the long run than providing solutions. Helping children work through their problems also shows that you have faith in them, which boosts their confidence and self-esteem. Insecurity issues No matter how much parents love their children and try to meet their needs, situations will come up that cause the children to feel insecure, and insecurity is often reflected in behavioral problems. Bad behavior needs to be corrected, but unless the parent understands what prompted it, the correction may hinder more than help. Was the misbehavior the result of natural childish experimentation—a bad idea that seemed good or fun at the time? Or was it the result of insecurity—trying to fit in, impress, or win new friends after moving to a new neighborhood or changing schools, for example? Bad behavior is only a symptom, so correction alone is like lopping off the top of a weed; it will soon be back. Parents need to identify and go to work on the root of the problem, the underlying cause. Depending on the age and maturity level of the child, try to help the child come to his or her own conclusions by approaching it from the problem-solving angle. That may not be easy in the heat of the moment, but remember, the goal is to correct the problem, not to punish the child. By making a clear distinction between the problem and the child and then involving the child in turning the problem situation into a learning situation, it is possible to build rather than undermine self-esteem, even in what might otherwise seem like an impossibly negative situation. Not all children misbehave when they feel insecure; some become withdrawn or underachieve. But however the insecurity is manifested, the first step in rectifying the problem is to recognize it, and the second step is to go to work on the cause from a positive angle. Taken from Activated Magazine. Used with permission. |
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